Emotion Toolkit.com

I have occassionally caught myself using shopping metaphors for dating and romance.  It’s not surprising that consumerism, the predominant lifestyle paradigm of Western culture, has bled into our love lives.  People describe the beginning of relationships as though they were buying a vehicle, and dating is the test drive.  Barrelling down the road, we are flipping switches and jiggling the steering wheel, all the while wondering what might be wrong.  What does he offer?  How does he compare with other models?  What are the costs, and what do I get in return?  Does he come with a warrantee?  Does he still have that “new car smell?”  Speaking of which, a cashier at the grocery store recently told me that the new car smell is actually formaldehyde, a chemical used in the manufacture of household products that acts as an antibacterial agent and preservative.  I recall its gut wrenching aroma from my high school dissection days (see my last post on the preservation of dead relationships.)

Where the consumer metaphor for relationships typically falls short is in the recognition that we have a hand in creating the kind of person we end up with.  In the popular Build-A-Bear store, found in many shopping malls around the country (including West Town mall in Madison), your choices determine how the product turns out.  The walls are lined with various teddy bear fur casings, a churning bin of soft stuffing, and various clothing items and other accoutrements.  When you arrive, no teddy bear is complete and ready to go.  Instead, you “choose, stuff, stitch, fluff and dress your new furry friend,” says the Build-A-Bear website.  The slogan: “Where best friends are made.”

But aren’t we supposed to accept people “as is?”  Can we expect them to change?  In her research on the fulfillment of personal potential, Carol Dweck at Stanford University discovered that some people have a “fixed mindset” while others have a “growth mindset.”  People with a fixed mindset believe that abilities and traits are innate and unchanging.  They think that people “are the way they are.”  They shirk self-improvement and tend to avoid challenges.  People with a growth mindset believe that abilities and traits can be learned and honed.  They learn from criticism and make efforts to better themselves.  (Read Fixed Mindset vs. Growth Mindset: Which One Are You? by Michael Graham Richards.)  Even astrology allows for change.  Premised on the notion that our abilities and traits are fixed from birth by the stars, it involves the constant revision of predictions based on how things have changed since you came into the world.

Even if change is possible, we’re warned not to take it upon ourselves to instigate it.  However, the question of whether we must accept people “as is” or push for change totally obscures the fact that we do have a strong influence on one another, but direct pushing is not the usual cause of positive change.  We are social beings whose qualities and well being are heavily influenced by our social environment.  Normally, when we try to change each other, the attempt fails because we approach the task the way a monkey tries to get a banana out of a steel cage, by hitting it with a stick.

The secret of building a bear is that you get out what you put in.  You receive what you give.  Dale Carnegie recognized this principle when he wrote that the best way to get people to like you is to sincerely like them.  His book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, is one of the most successful self-help books ever published and sold 15 million copies.  Carnegie proposed six ways to win friends.  They included: “become genuinely interested” and “make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.”

At the Build-A-Bear workshop, they insert a heart into every bear.  Being truly loved and appreciated, “putting your heart into them,” so to speak, brings out the best in people.  Rather than loving someone because they are perfect, they are perfect, because we love them.